


opposite of a hallelujah

by foreignconstellations



Series: nothing more to take in [4]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Being Good at Communication, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Pet Names
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 19:21:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10542924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreignconstellations/pseuds/foreignconstellations
Summary: He lets himself have just one more moment, with Lukas’ hands gentle on his face and morning light shining through the blinds. Then he says, “If you’re making me get up, we’re getting waffles for breakfast.”





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aroacejeanprouvaire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroacejeanprouvaire/gifts).



> warning for description of past child abuse

Being back in New York _hurts,_ in a physical way Philip hadn’t been ready for. It feels like he doesn’t fit right in the city anymore, not without his mom. Like the entirety of his old life has been cut away, forever out of reach, and he doesn’t know who he is anymore. The streets seem strange and too familiar all at once. It’s still better than the hospital, though – it’s dirty and crowded and too full of memories, but it doesn’t feel like death and fear like the hospital did. And Lukas is up and walking beside him, instead of stuck in a hospital bed.

He gets through the day focusing on that, on Lukas. He’s gotten through a lot of days like that, curled around Lukas in his hospital bed and pretending they were the only two people in the world. So they walk around, and get curly fries (they were on a _date_ , Philip can’t help reminding himself. He was with his _boyfriend_ on a _date_ ), and then they end up at a hotel. And it’s nice, really, being so far away from everything in their normal lives that they can pretend all their troubles don’t exist. Philip tries hard to focus, to be present in this moment with Lukas so he can remember it forever, but he’s tired and he’s sad, despite Lukas’ best efforts. But it’s okay. They’re okay.

Sleep comes easy, even after his nap in the afternoon. He hasn’t really been sleeping all that much; all his thoughts get so loud in the dark that going to bed ends up mostly an exercise in frustration and grief. But Lukas, like he always does, makes it a little better, a little quieter. Philip just hopes he doesn’t have any nightmares tonight.

In the end, he doesn’t even dream. He does wake up a few times during the night, but every time he’s still all wrapped up in Lukas, and that’s enough to get him to close his eyes, slow his breathing down and wait for sleep to come again.

When he finally opens his eyes and sees sunlight creeping through the blinds, it makes him panic a little, because for a second he can’t place the room. But then he remembers, and he remembers he’s here with Lukas, that Lukas is still holding him, and it’s okay. Okay as Philip ever is, anyway, but here in this place so far removed from everything that’s hurt them, it’s still better than he’s been in a while. Philip struggles with getting out of bed in the morning at the best of times, so he already knows that it’s going to be hard going back to Tivoli after this.

He shuts his eyes again, and turns his face into Lukas’ chest. He doesn’t want to think about getting up yet, even when he feels Lukas kiss his hair and realises he’s awake too. “Hey,” he mumbles into the fabric of Lukas’ shirt.

“Morning,” Lukas says, and Philip can hear him smiling. He loves that smile so much it’s kind of embarrassing, but that’s still not enough to get him to look up. He’s comfy right now. “You okay?”

“Mmm,” Philip hums, because he doesn’t really have the words to answer that at the moment. “What time is it?”

“Just after eight,” Lukas says, which means they’ve got two hours till they need to check out. When Gabe called last night, he’d asked Philip to get back as soon as he could, so he knows they should get up soon, before Helen drives down here to pick them up herself. But he’s warm, and he’s in a hotel room with his boyfriend, and he doesn’t want to go back to Tivoli. It still confuses him how a place with so much open space can feel so small.

“Do you want breakfast?” Lukas asks. That’s a thing Philip’s noticed him doing lately, asking whether Philip’s hungry and making sure he eats. He’s not really sure how he feels about that, but it’s nice, knowing that Lukas cares so much.

Still, right now he’s not interested in moving, let alone food. “Later,” he says. “I’m good here.”

Lukas kisses the top of his head again, once, twice. “Okay,” he says, “but we’ve gotta get up soon.”

Philip remembers the motel _. I wish we could just hang here forever. But we can’t_. Maybe one day they’ll be able to stay somewhere peaceful forever, but today is not that day, no matter how much Philip wants it to be.

So he says, “I know,” but he doesn’t open his eyes yet, just lies there and tries to commit the moment to memory; how the sheets feel, how Lukas’ shirt smells, the city noises coming in from outside.

He might fall back asleep, he’s not sure, but it doesn’t feel like long before Lukas starts shifting a little under him. “I gotta get up, dude,” Lukas says, and laughs when Philip makes a sleepy noise in protest. “Seriously, just to the bathroom, okay?”

“Mmm, fine,” Philip says, and rolls off Lukas, eyes still stubbornly shut. He misses Lukas’ warmth as soon as they’re not touching anymore. He hears Lukas get up and walk across the room, hears the bathroom door open and close. Philip opens his eyes, looks up to the nondescript ceiling and breathes. They can’t stay here forever, and that’s not going to change, no matter how much Philip lies here and wishes. The world always seems particularly hard to deal with first thing in the morning, lately more than ever. Philip is _tired_ ; sleep’s never really come easy to him, but he can’t remember the last time he had a full night’s rest. He sleeps better with Lukas, but Philip knows he won’t have that every night. Best to enjoy it while it lasts.

The bathroom door opens again, and Philip sits up, running a hand through his hair. He looks up at Lukas to see him paused in the doorway, soft and sleep-ruffled and looking back at Philip so fondly it makes Philip’s heart ache. He’s not used to showing his feelings on his face, but he hopes they’re there right now, hopes he can make Lukas feel the same way he does. “Hey,” he says.

“Hey,” Lukas echoes, and then he joins Philip on the bed, and that thing happens again, where it’s not clear who started it, but now they’re kissing. Philip melts into it, like he always does, because he’s never felt anything so good. All thoughts not about Lukas and where he’s touching Philip start to float away, and Philip wants to chase that feeling, wants to keep kissing Lukas until he forgets everything else, until everything that hurts just _disappears_ for a while.

It’s that thought that makes him pull back. It’s not the first time he’s thought it, and he hates it every time. Lukas is worth more than a distraction, and Philip doesn’t want to cheapen what they have by using it that way. There’s a part of him, too, that knows he deserves to hurt, that he shouldn’t let himself hide from it. Kissing Lukas has always been too complicated, but now it’s just Philip that’s making it that way, and he knows it’s not fair.

He lets himself have just one more moment, with Lukas’ hands gentle on his face and morning light shining through the blinds. Then he says, “If you’re making me get up, we’re getting waffles for breakfast.”

*

Because it’s New York, they walk less than a block before they find a little café that serves waffles. Lukas had looked a little apprehensive when Philip had said his plan for breakfast was, “just walk until we find somewhere,” but Philip had just shrugged. Even with all the memories making his head spin, he knows how New York works, and it doesn’t scare him.

The place they find is small, and mostly empty. Philip hopes that’s not a commentary on the quality of the food, but he prefers the quiet these days anyway. They both do. It’s one of those places where they need to pay when they order their meal, and Philip’s kind of been thinking about this all morning – or, before that, really, since yesterday at lunch. It’s not something he’s really used to doing, but it feels natural, to reach out and touch Lukas’ arm when he moves to get out his wallet.

“I’ve got this one,” Philip says.

Lukas frowns. “But-“

“Lukas Waldenbeck,” Philip says lowly, “I am trying to take you out on a date.” And, wow, he’s never seen Lukas blush like that. It’s not a bad look on him. Philip lets himself smile, and manages to hand over the money before Lukas manages to say anything else.

They find themselves a table by the wall, that let’s both of them see the front window and door. It’s a thing that Philip does now, apparently, something he needs to do now to be comfortable. He doesn’t know how long it’s going to take for him to stop looking over his shoulder, stop feeling like someone’s watching him. Philip literally saw the shooter die. But for now, it’s what calms him down, and he thinks it helps Lukas too.

They sit down across from one another, but both their legs are long enough that Philip feels Lukas’ feet knock against his under the table. Lukas says, “I thought we did split bills.”

Philip shrugs. “You had your turn paying for something yesterday, now it’s mine.” Lukas opens his mouth again, but Philip interrupts him. “Come on, let me take you out.” He pauses, then adds, “I’ve never taken a boy out before.”

That makes Lukas blush again, and they don’t say anything else until their food arrives. When it’s put down in front of him, Philip hesitates, because suddenly the amount of food on the plate seems like _too much_. But when he looks up from the plate, Lukas is smiling encouragingly at him across the table, and Philip can do this. If nothing else, it’d be a waste of money if he didn’t eat.

As it turns out, the waffles are pretty good. Lukas eats his quickly, like he ate in the hospital, but Philip lets himself go slow, stretching the moment out, stopping every few bites talk to Lukas about nothing in particular. He finally feels relaxed, in a way he hadn’t let himself be until now. He’s having breakfast with Lukas, with his boyfriend, and it feels _easy_. Like they can still do this, after everything that’s happened, and it can be okay, it can be just a thing that they do. Go out together for breakfast, like real people, in a real relationship. Philip knows they’ll probably never do this in Tivoli, but that’s okay, as long as he can have moments like this in other places. He doesn’t want the whole town talking about him, about Lukas – their relationship, these moments, it’s just for them.

So, he’s happy, and not overthinking, so when Lukas tries _again_ to say something about paying for breakfast, Philip doesn’t think before he says, “Shut up and eat your waffles, honey.”

There’s a pause. Philip takes in Lukas’ suddenly pink cheeks, replays what he just said back over in his mind, and freezes.

They don’t _do_ pet names. Or, they’ve never had a discussion about it, it’s never come up, not really. One time, when Lukas was still in the hospital, and they were both too tired and too emotional, he’d called Philip ‘baby’, and they’d both blushed and immediately looked away from each other, neither managing to speak again until a nurse came in, breaking the tension. They haven’t mentioned it again. Philip doesn’t know how he feels about pet names in general – they’ve always seemed very _intimate_ to him. He’s never been intimate with anyone like that before, he’s never even really had _friends_. For Lukas to call him something that no one else calls him, no one else will _ever_ call him – it’s weird. Not something he’s used to at all. But Philip liked it, that was the real thing. He liked it. Maybe he can figure out how to tell Lukas that, eventually.

For now, he settles for smiling softly and gently kicking Lukas under the table. Lukas kicks him back, and then they’re both laughing; not loud, just quiet and gentle. Lukas presses his leg against Philip’s, and Philip has to look out the window before his face does something overly embarrassing.

He used to people-watch a lot, when he was younger. Sit on a doorstep or on a bench and watch the sea of people pass him by. Sometimes he’d imagine what they’d been doing, where they were going, but mostly he just watched all the different faces, all the different kinds of people. Never the same face twice. He watches out the window – there’s not a lot of foot traffic, but it’s New York, so ‘not a lot’ is still plenty. He watches the people walk past – real _city_ people, nothing like the people from Tivoli, with all their different clothes and builds and faces and-

Red hair. Face like a rat. And then Philip’s not in the café anymore, he’s fifteen and in his kitchen, and Billy punches him so hard across the jaw his head snaps back and he stumbles against the cabinets. It’s going to leave a hell of a mark, he’s going to have to lie about getting in a fight again when his mom comes home. Billy pulls his arm back again, and Philip tries to steady himself enough to take the hit, and-

“Philip?” Lukas says, and Philip jolts back into the present. He’s in a café, with Lukas, and they’re okay, and Billy’s not here. He looks out at the street again, just to make sure, but there’s no sign of whoever it was that he saw (not Billy, probably. He wouldn’t be in a neighbourhood this nice. Just someone who looked like him).  Something touches his hand, and he flinches before he realises it’s just Lukas, fingers reaching out. Philip’s breathing has gotten fast and he can’t remember when that happened.

“Philip, what’s wrong?” Lukas asks, but Philip just shakes his head. He doesn’t know how to explain, doesn’t know yet how much to tell Lukas about all the shit that’s wrong with him. He’d been so focused on the good memories that haunt these streets, on the things that he’s going to miss, because that’s how he wants to remember his mom and their life here. He doesn’t know how to admit there are other things that bother him about being here.

He spent so long convincing everyone – teachers, cops, neighbours – that he was safe and happy with his mom, because he _was_. He doesn’t want the bad times to cancel that out, doesn’t want people to think his life in the city wasn’t worth going back to. He doesn’t want people to think badly of his mom, not ever, because she was a good person that was just struggling along with him. It wasn’t her fault. Most of the really bad stuff, she never even knew about. He never let her know how much Billy really didn’t like him, no matter what Philip did. How some of her other boyfriends were just the same.

“Philip,” Lukas says, and he sounds _scared_ , scared for Philip, and Philip can’t have that. He has to fix this. So he swallows as much of the bad stuff as he can, and says, “It’s nothing, it’s really nothing. I thought I saw-“ and then stops, because that was nearly too much.

Except Lukas’ eyes go wide, and then Philip remembers, remembers Lukas outside the school, paranoid and panicking. Remembers how Lukas is still scared, even if they left most of that fear behind in Tivoli. “But it wasn’t,” Philip says quickly, “it wasn’t anything, I swear, it’s okay.” He can do this, focus on Lukas and leave his own feelings for later. He can make it be okay. “We’re safe,” he adds, and the words feel strange in his mouth. _We are_ , he tells himself. _We’re safe_. He can see Lukas’ eyes flicking to all the people around them, so Philip squeezes his hand and says again, “We’re okay, it was nothing.”

Lukas’ eyes come back to him. “You thought you saw him?” he asks, and Philip looks away from him, because he doesn’t know how to do this. He’s been lying to people long enough to know he’s not very good at it; he’s better at embellishments, at misdirection, at including just enough of the truth to make it real but leaving out the parts that really hurt. It’s second nature now, because to expose himself is to put himself in danger; that was true long before Tivoli. But he doesn’t want to lie to Lukas. He hasn’t wanted to lie to Lukas since that first kiss in the cabin, when Lukas kissed him so brief and so scared, like them kissing would lead to the end of the world.

But he also doesn’t want Lukas to know. He doesn’t want Lukas to worry about him, he doesn’t want him to think badly of Philip or his mom, and he doesn’t want him to see how fucked up Philip really is and decide he isn’t worth it. Part of him knows that worrying about that isn’t fair to Lukas, that it’s the same kind of fear that made him scared of coming out to his mom even though he knew she’d be okay. But the fear is still there, and right now it’s stronger than Philip is. And even if he wanted to tell the truth, he doesn’t know how to begin talking about Billy, about any of the worst things about life in the city. So he nods.

He watches Lukas’ face get all understanding and sort of sad, which is exactly what Philip didn’t want, but at least he won’t have to talk about it. “We’re safe,” Lukas repeats, and Philip nods again.

He doesn’t manage more than a few bites of his food after that. When they both stand up to leave though, Lukas takes him completely by surprise, by hugging him. Even though they’re in public (a mostly empty café, but still). It’s that, more than anything, that makes Philip smile against Lukas’ shoulder, though the hug itself definitely helps. Lukas is warm, and soft, and Philip loves him down to his bones. He whispers, “I love you,” and feels Lukas squeeze him tighter.

Lukas kisses the side of Philip’s head and whispers back, “Love you, too.”

*

They head straight to the bus stop after that, because they really should be getting back. Philip hadn’t ever thought he wouldn’t want to be in New York; even in the really bad times, this was always his city. It still is, in a way, but it also hurts too much to feel truly like home anymore, and without his mom there, all the things about the city that hurt him just feel that much more pronounced. He doesn’t talk much on their walk to the bus stop, but Lukas holds his hand the whole time and that anchors him, lets him breathe.

He sends Gabe a text when they’re on the bus, to let him know they’re on their way, and that’s when he remembers. “Hey,” he says to Lukas. They’re still holding hands. “Do you think your dad will be mad?”

Lukas makes a face. “I don’t know. We haven’t really been talking about stuff.”

Philip squeezes his hand. “Want to come to Helen and Gabe’s with me?”

“Do you want me to?” Lukas asks.

Philip shrugs. “I should probably talk to them on my own. Pretty sure Helen’s mad at me. But, if you don’t want to go home yet, I could always sneak you in.”

That makes Lukas laugh, which is always nice, but Philip doesn’t know how to say he was serious. Maybe he has nothing to worry about, but thinking about Billy is making him see threats everywhere. “It’s okay,” Lukas says, “I’ll be fine. And I don’t want to get Helen mad at me.”

“It’s worse when she likes you,” Philip says, “that’s when she cooks for you.” Lukas laughs again, and Philip manages a smile.

*

They get past Poughkeepsie, and Lukas is still holding Philip’s hand. And Philip isn’t complaining, not at all, but. He’s surprised, because on the way there Lukas had only taken his hand once they were on the other side of it, but they’re getting closer and closer to Tivoli, and Lukas is still holding on. Philip doesn’t want to say anything, doesn’t want to jinx it. Maybe he’s just forgotten.

Or maybe it’s one of those times, that Lukas does something impossible, like when he brought Helen the gun.

He sneaks a glance at Lukas, and he’s smiling, and Philip feels himself smiling too. He loves this brave, ridiculous boy so much, more than he has words for. He wants to kiss him, wants to crawl into his lap and show him just how much Philip appreciates him, but now’s not a good moment for that. Maybe later. But he wants to do something, something to let Lukas know he _gets_ it, that he understands what this means, that he’s proud and grateful and so in love.

He should tell Lukas the truth, about what happened at the café.  The more Philip thinks about it, the more it makes sense. He wants to be that little bit more open, wants to show Lukas how much Philip trusts him, and feels safe with him. Because Lukas being brave makes Philip want to be brave too.

He squeezes Lukas’ hand, leans in just a little but not enough to spook him. “I love you,” he says, softly into Lukas’ ear. It’s funny, that saying it for the first time (when Lukas was awake) had scared him so much, but now that they’ve both said it, he wants to say it all the time. It feels good, to be able to say those words and mean them, and to have Lukas hear them, to be sure he knows. Philip _loves_ him.

Lukas squeezes back. “Love you too,” he says. “You feeling okay?”

Philip swallows. He does feel better, and it’s because of Lukas. Here together, at the back of the bus, it’s not New York or Tivoli, and watching the countryside fly by reminds him of being on the back of Lukas’ bike. And Lukas’ hand in his, even with Red Hook fast approaching, makes him feel warm. He loves how much Lukas tries, he always has. He has to try too.

“Yeah,” he says. “I’m okay.” Then, “Can we talk about it, when we get back?”

Lukas shoots him a look of badly-masked concern, but just says, “Yeah, of course.”

They pass the rest of the trip mostly in silence. Philip keeps trying to figure out what he’s going to say, just how much he’s going to reveal today. Not all of it. Not even most of it. Lukas doesn’t need that on his mind, he’s got enough that worries him as it is. No use stressing him about things that don’t even matter anymore. Philip will tell him what he should’ve said earlier, that it was someone else he thought he saw. Easy.

The harder part will be explaining why he lied.

*

Lukas only drops Philip’s hand when they have to stand and get off the bus, and Philip’s hand stays warm as they walk over to where they left the bike. Lukas pauses when they get there, looking at Philip expectantly. And Philip wants to stall, wants to say he doesn’t want to have this conversation right here, still in town. But if he’s honest with himself, there’s nowhere in Tivoli he truly feels comfortable (except the barn, but he’s pretty sure the minute he steps onto Helen and Gabe’s property Helen’s going to start chewing him out). They’re alone, and secluded, and now is as good a time as any.

Philip takes a breath. He wants to do this. He can do this. “It wasn’t the shooter I thought I saw, in the café.”

Lukas frowns. “What do you mean?”

Philip bites his lip. “My mom had this boyfriend. He… didn’t like me very much.” God, how was it easier to tell Gabe parts of the truth than it is telling Lukas? “That’s who I thought I saw.”

“That made you freak out like that?”­­ Lukas asks. Philip doesn’t know what his face does in response to that, but whatever it is makes Lukas say, “Sorry, stupid question,” and before Philip can respond to _that_ , Lukas pulls him into a hug.

Philip loves Lukas’ hugs. He’s not used to being shorter than someone, but it’s actually kind of nice, tucking his face into Lukas’ neck. Lukas’ shirts are always soft, and he’s warm. Philip doesn’t really have a lot of experience with hugging, and he’s pretty sure Lukas doesn’t either, but somehow they fit together perfectly, every time. Lukas’ arms squeeze tight around his middle and Philip sighs.

“I’m okay,” he says, because he is, and he needs Lukas to believe it. “I’m sorry I lied.”

Lukas drops his arms from around Philip, so they’re not hugging anymore, but he doesn’t move back. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, and Philip bites his lip again.

“I didn’t know how to explain,” he says. “About stuff that happened before I came here.”

“You know you can tell me anything, right?” Lukas says, and Philip swallows. He wants to believe it, he really does. But he’s scared. He knows Lukas’ life hasn’t been easy, even before Philip arrived, but it still seems so _rich_ and _clean_ compared to Philip’s life in New York. He’s afraid Lukas won’t understand. He’s afraid Lukas will look at him differently.

“Philip,” Lukas says, and Philip wants to apologise again, but Lukas keeps talking before he can. “I love you, okay? And I’ll listen, when you’re ready.”

Philip loves this boy with his whole heart. “I know,” he says. “I’m sorry, really.”

“It’s okay,” Lukas says, and then he kisses Philip, brief and sweet. “Tell me next time, though?”

“Yeah,” says Philip, because he can manage that much. Lukas smiles at him and Philip is torn between wanting to look at it forever and wanting to kiss it off his face. Both of those are options are going to have to wait, though, because there’s still the other thing he wants to tell Lukas.

“One more thing,” Philip says, and it’s ridiculous, this shouldn’t feel like such a big deal. He wishes being vulnerable – with a person he actually _wants_ to be vulnerable with – wasn’t such hard work.

“Yeah?” Lukas says, with those big understanding eyes that Philip sometimes wants to drown in. He bites his lip, thinks about how cute Lukas looks when he blushes.

“I liked it when you called me ‘baby’,” Philip says, feeling himself flush before the words are even halfway out of his mouth. God, this is so _embarrassing_. He really hopes Lukas remembers the moment in the hospital as well.

He keeps his eyes on Lukas’ face, so he sees that Lukas takes a moment to understand, eyebrows creasing in confusion. And then he sees Lukas _get it_ , sees his eyes go very wide and his cheeks go very pink. “Oh.”

“Yeah,” says Philip. “Oh.” Then says, “I mean, you don’t have to. If you didn’t mean to say it, it’s fine, I just-“

“Philip,” Lukas says, and then his hands are on Philip’s jaw. “Baby,” he says, and okay, now Philip’s the one that’s blushing, and he kind of feels like he should laugh, break the tension, but Lukas is looking at him so softly and so full of love that Philip can’t do anything other than look back.

Lukas doesn’t make any more moves forward, just holds Philip’s face and looks. Philip wants to kiss him. Not as a distraction, not to make anything disappear, not as anything _complicated_. Maybe they are surrounded by all of their ghosts, maybe they always will be. But nothing can stop them growing together, and getting better. Philip knows, in his heart, that’s what his mom would want for him. And he knows how to do this, when he’s not caught up in his own head. Lukas is his boyfriend, and Philip’s in love with him, and he wants to kiss him.

So he does. It turns out it really can be that simple.


End file.
